I was 13 when I tried selling my soul to the devil.

At the time I suffered from depression and was suicidal. I felt invisible, I wanted to be acknowledged. Evil thoughts ran through my head. But it was deeper than that. I wanted to make those around me suffer, I wanted to create sorrow, I felt like the black sheep and I wanted everyone to experience the level of hurt I was feeling. 

So I began thinking and thinking which went on for a few months. Each day with a deeper desire to kill myself. 

One morning I woke up and I felt determined to end my life. I felt as if I had finally grown the balls to do it. So this morning my mother kindly asked me if I wanted to go grocery shopping, to which I kindly replied “no, can i please stay here?” She said yes and asked if I wanted anything from the store. I replied “yes, a blue powerade please.” 

Keep in mind at the time I was seeing school counselor’s for this type of behavior. Which didn’t work! Kids need love and affection. Not an adult seeing a fat kid who is clearly insecure and asking him what his favorite food was and telling him “If you kill yourself you’ll never have another cheese burger in your life, Imagine that jose.”

Anyway, that’s a story for another day. 

As soon as my mother got in her car and left for the grocery store, I walked to the kitchen and grabbed a knife. I stood there for about 30 minutes looking at the knife. I put the knife on my throat and I realized I didn’t quite know how to do it! Was I supposed to stab myself? Or slice my throat? The only thought that kept running through my head was, what if i survive it?! I knew if I survived a suicidal attempt I would be locked away at an asylum, which wasn’t an option. A straight jab to the throat was my best option. But I couldn’t get myself to do it. I just couldn’t!

I realized I didn’t want to die! I just wanted to be comforted and understood. I didn’t want to put my mom or dad through that! I could imagine my mother walking in seeing my body covered in blood on the kitchen floor. Her reaction wouldn’t be satisfying. So I didn’t and in that moment something in me changed. Being close to the end brought me clarity. 

Few months went by and a cousin from New Hampshire came to stay with us in California for some time. In the short amount of time this cousin influenced me in many ways. He was just different! He spoke with a different slang, dressed differently and lived a whole different lifestyle. I began building a big brother – little brother relationship with him.

 He introduced me to his weird death metal music and his weird interests like conspiracy theory videos. 

That’s where it all started. I watched a few conspiracy videos on 9/11 and things like the Watergate scandal, Skull & Bones and the Bohemian Grove doing a human sacrifice ritual. As a 13 year old I was consuming all of this information that seemed to be pretty real and I got one thing out of it. I thought to myself what if this is the way to being someone? I knew exactly what I wanted in exchange for my soul.

1. Money

2. Fame

3. Success 

My research began on how to sell my soul. 

It took many sleepless nights trying to figure out what would be the correct way to summon the devil and how to make a deal. My very first attempt to summon the devil was through candles in the shape of a pentagram, which was a huge let down. I thought satan would automatically appear before my eyes. 

I realized I had religious articles around my room and immediately took those down and began looking for another way to summon the devil. My second attempt was going to sleep repeating a satanic mantra until I slipped into a dream state where Satan would greet me and the negotiating would take place.

 I was most nervous about the 2nd attempt. For the simple fact, the research I had done explained, if you have no talent, the devil would laugh in your face and not ever appear again or still take your soul. I didn’t know if i had a talent but it was worth a shot anyway. But again nothing happened. 

My search continued! 

Then I discovered satanic temples! I was so excited and happy. I knew this would work. I was honestly a little mind boggled that such a place even existed! I mean I was familiar with people being baptized at a chrisitan or catholic church but not at a satanic church. But again another let down, the church I had looked up at the time was located in virginia. 2,200 miles away from me. I was out of luck again. But I was kind of glad it wasn’t nearby because it looked really creepy.

 A blog post I had read said to buy black ink and pour it into a bowl and just stare at it until I couldn’t distinguish the ink from the room. It said the ink would rise and satan would appear so I lit a small candle next to me and sat on my bedroom floor and just stared at this bowl for hours. 

I went into a deep meditative state and began having a vision. 

I found myself walking down the lonely cold foggy streets of London. It didn’t appear to be modern times. It looked more like the 1800’s. It was so dark but I could see the paved floor in front of me. As I walked the middle of the street I could only see as far as the next light post.

I tried looking at the sidewalks but it was pitch black i could only see the moonlight causing the silhouette effect on the building I was walking in between. But I saw this small shadow-like figure pop out of an alley but I kept walking. I then heard a little kid’s voice asking if he could join me? I said sure. The kid came out of the shadows into the light. 

He was wearing red overalls and looked about 8 years old. He seemed very happy and curious to find out what I was doing. I explained to him I was looking to meet someone and he asked who I told him, a friend. 

The small boy began asking all sorts of questions;

He asked where I came from? 

Where was I going? 

How did I get there? 

My name and age? 

I had very simple answers for the boy. Mostly “i don’t know” 

He then told me he had to go back already and advised me to stay on the straight path.  He said “stay on the path of light.” “Don’t go to the dark side, just keep going forward.” 

The sidewalks and  buildings had no lights so it made sense. I kept walking but before he left i asked him hey what’s your name? He responded, “Jose Manuel.” Smiled and walked away. 

Everything turned Black and I woke up. 

I woke up so confused! I thought to myself that was a really weird dream! But I realized I was in bed. Which confused me, even more. I didn’t remember getting up and going to bed or putting the bowl of black ink down on my counter and turning off the lit candle. 

I was also upset that i didn’t get to summon the devil but as i remembered the dream i realized he said his name was “Jose Manuel” Which was my grandpa’s name. I was named after him. My grandfather was a victim to a homicide that took place in the 1980’s during a civil war in his country. 

CHILLS RAN DOWN MY SPINE!!!!

I couldn’t believe it! So I began researching what that dream could possibly mean. What I discovered gave me chills once again. I stumbled across a blog post that said your guardian angels will try everything possible to get you not to sell your soul. But your angels will only give you 3 warnings. 

My 2 failed attempts were the angels protecting me and my grandfather appearing in my dream was my final warning. Since that day I’ve never been the same, I felt closer than ever to my grandfather, even though I never met him. But more importantly that was the start of self love for me. I didn’t want to kill myself or sell my soul anymore, there was nothing for me on the darkside, i just wanted to stay on the path of light.

I’ve never looked back since.