The 1st ceremony was the most profound ; The 2nd ceremony I released ;The 3rd ceremony was a culmination. Truly life changing.

Showing up is the scariest part

Me & my girlfriend got there around 5:30pm. Parked our car, unpacked our bags and began to set up our tent. I could feel my stomach turning as I was setting up my sleeping bag. Shit was about to get real. In a few hours I would be experiencing my own death. I would see my biggest fears laid out in front of me and my darkest shadows up close and personal. 

 I was nervous, anxious, timid and determined. 

After setting up our sleeping area it was time to meet the staff and sign waivers. The friendly staff instructed us to pick our small resting area for the weekend. As more and more people walked in, I resorted to my old introverted habits and began seeking comfort in the presence of my girlfriend. I decided I wanted to connect more. I had to get out of my comfort zone. I began to talk to people and call people over. There was chemistry from the initial, hello. Instantly a bond was formed. Little did we know that by the end of the event we’d all considered ourselves great friends. We shared stories and talked about how nervous we were. Before we knew it, the sun had set and the ceremony was about to start.

1ST CUP

After ingesting my 1st cup of ayahuasca. I remember doing an analysis of my mind and body. Frequently checking in with myself.

Am I high yet?

Am I starting to see things distorted?

Do I feel nauseous? 

Asking these questions every 10 minutes. Everyone around me laid down and tried to sleep. I sat up and waited. I wasn’t comfortable nor at ease.

30 minutes in, people all around me and across the room began purging! It was a universal sign, ayahuasca was about to hit home for me too. I began rocking back and forth to soothe myself. I was releasing my anxiety through movement. It felt natural, primitive and comforting. This is something I had never done before during a psychedelic journey. However it did feel familiar. Maybe this is what it felt like when I was inside my mothers womb. Maybe, it was from a time when I was an infant. It was very strange-but it help me get through all 3 ceremonies. The rocking helped me get into a rhythm with the medicine. 

I could feel the presence of a serpent from the medicine. Most people feel or see big cats, but I could feel the medicine slithering through my veins like a snake.  

After about 1 hour of rocking back and forth the medicine was in full effect. I remember still not being comfortable enough to lay down. As I looked around, I couldn’t help but think “How the fuck are people trying to sleep right now!?”. Nausea began to take over. I wasn’t fighting the feeling to throw up. I was simply waiting for the perfect moment to do so, kind of like one giant blast. More and more people around me began purging. 

The music started playing and the shaman began moving the energy in the room with his harmonica. Aya instantly brought up, all of my fears. Aside from dying, one of my biggest fear was losing my fiancé.

What if she cheated? 

Does she really want to be with me? 

What if she dies?

Mother Ayahuasca began to nurture my insecurities and co-dependencies.

Mother Aya said :

”what if ….? “.

What if any of that happens?

Do you not know, you are safe?

Have you forgotten your mission on earth?

Would your soul stop loving her if any of those things happened?

Have we not shown you, everything will be okay? 

I began to instantly feel light and happy.

Madre Ayahuasca put together every single negative scenario I’ve ever thought about. She played it for me until I understood, how silly my insecurities were. I began smiling and laughing while I watched a mini movie of the worst case scenarios. There was this playful and gentle element to my visions and thoughts. At that moment I visualized my girlfriend cheating on me and me walking in on her. My ego would’ve normally taken charge and said something like, kill her! But since I was experiencing an ego death, I understood killing or hurting wasn’t appropriate response. Instead I began smiling, I couldn’t be upset. I just remember forgiving her, going my separate way and being happy. 

Meanwhile the shaman-taita played beautiful music in the background. The music and my visuals synchronized. I remember laying down, admiring the artistry of the shaman. It was beautiful to watch. I couldn’t stop watching taita. He was in the zone and I was mesmerized by the art. 

But as soon as we made eye contact, he signaled me to stand up and go take my second cup. 

2nd cup

Got up, walked to the altar and drank the hot, bitter-sweet brew. I knew after taking that second cup, it was my turn to purge. I went to sit down and instantly felt nauseous. Again I began rocking back and forth again but this time I was bear hugging the small plastic trash can. It was only a matter of time.

I kept affirming (I am safe & secure – please be gentle.) After about an hour of repeating that affirmation. I suddenly heard a voice say ” I am being gentle and this is as gentle as I can be.” “ You have to stop avoiding this”.  Instantly I began throwing up. I was throwing up so hard that a staff facilitator came over to take care of me for a bit. It felt like an eternity but I threw up for about 2 minutes straight. I gasped for air as if I was drowning. When asked how I was doing.. The only word i could get out was….“fuck”!

The facilitator began whistling the soft melody of the song arbolito divino.

This melody sounded magical and immediately made me the most present I had ever been before in my life. I felt sober for a split second. I was going with the flow and not trying to fight ayahuasca. Mother ayahuasca proceeded to bring up my biggest fear in life, Dying young. It’s a thought that has haunted me for a very long time.

I began to feel like i was dying. I kept thinking…

“Damn i’m really going to die right here!” – “Fuck, what have i done!” – ”I am really going to be the first person to die tonight” 

Up until this point, I had no clue if anyone had ever physically died before, during a ceremony. Aya then proceeded to make me believe I was really dying. I began having a vision. Everyone around me formed a circle. They all stared and whispered. I felt okay but based on their reactions, something terribly bad was happening to me. I remember looking at them not being able to speak. One of the facilitators began some sort of prayer and I could hear commotion behind the circle that surrounded me. 

It was my fiance .. someone had notified her I was passing away. She began screaming and crying and ran through the wall of people to cry at my feet. One of the facilitators quickly picked her up and began yelling in an assertive manner and said “Be brave! Look at him! You know and I know, this is exactly how he wanted to go!”. I was in shock. I watched everyone comfort my girlfriend. Some made remarks on the beautiful death I was having, while others cried in horror.

Ayahuasca then placed me in a limbo-like state. In this vision I was a piece of thread. To the left of me was the fabric of death and to the right of me was the fabric of life.

 Aya began to stitch me in between both fabrics of reality. I was being interwoven into life and death. It felt like a celebration. It was an honor to witness such a spectacle. Crossing over to death felt like a homecoming. But being alive felt like a gift. 

I kept thinking about my life and things I wanted to accomplish and I began feeling this urgency to live! 

Ayahuasca began talking to me and I said “I don’t want to die.”

Ayahuasca said “what?”  – I replied : “I don’t want to die!” 

Ayahuasca said “what !?” – I replied : I don’t want to die!!”

Ayahuasca said, say it louder!!! I replied : “I DON’T WANT TO DIEEEE!!!!!!!!”

To which ayahuasca replied- “It’s not that you don’t want to die! It’s that you want to live!!!! You must remember this everyday. You’re so focused on not dying you’re not living. Use that same energy and live life!” 

& that was one of the main epiphanies that weekend.. I was playing defense in life and not offense.

After 4 years of researching the medicine, I was finally here. Everything I knew I needed was happening here and now. It was simply magical. A pack of wild coyotes howled all through the night giving the experience a mystical touch. Every bit of this experience felt surreal. But even after the positive reinforcement from the medicine, deciding to stay was the hardest part.

Completing all 3 Ayahuasca ceremonies is the hardest thing I’ve ever had to endure in my life but simultaneously the most rewarding.